Posted on by Wallis Landrum (Wally) · 3 Comments

Car Keys July 12, 2024

After my father turned 80, he called me on the phone to say, “I just bought my last car….. a Honda Acura.” He added, “But I can still buy green bananas!” Before he turned 90, I drove home to tell him in person it was time to give up driving.

During my drive, I rehearsed the counterpoints to the resistance I anticipated. As a pastor I had made similar visits with other families — just not mine. As most of our conversations revolved around business and finance, I opted for: “You’ll spend a lot less on cab-fare than you spend on insurance and maintenance.”

The request to give up one’s freedom and independence is a tall order. “I just drive to the country club,” he opened, “and I’ve done that all your life.” I offered, “I know you can get there and back. I just worry about the kid on a bike or the car from a driveway. It’s the unexpected that I’m not sure you can react to. And if something happened….. you don’t want to live with that.”

I had never seen anything like it before, but in a flash, just like that, his expression turned from resistance to trust. I was overwhelmed by the trust in me he showed. He said, “Ok, if you think it’s the right thing to do, I’m ready.” His trust inspired my responsibility to never ever abuse it, and I’m at peace that I never did.

His solution was to give his car to a friend. He was guaranteed a lifetime of rides to see his friends — for four more years. 

When did you feel called upon to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15)? How do you handle the responsibility of someone trusting you? Who do you trust in your life?

Posted on by Wallis Landrum (Wally)

Vested Power  May 29, 2024

23 Memorial Days ago I went home to perform a wedding for a widower and a widow — she was my dad’s sister. At the St. Matthew’s Mall I ducked into a Hallmark store to ask, “Do you have a greeting card that says, ‘To my aunt, whom I marry today?’” My one-liner was topped by the immediate reply, “Honey, not in this state”……. and I was in Kentucky!

44 years ago, when my brother proposed I marry him, I couldn’t in that state. I had to be an ordained minister. I had yet to complete four years of seminary education before approval by my denomination. However, I could assist my seminary professor who had legally married my sister back when he was our associate pastor. (You need a scorecard to keep up).

When I asked my mentor, “How much of the wedding can I do?” He replied, “As much as you want.” “Can I do the vows?” “They say their vows; you can lead them.” “Can I bless the rings?” “God blesses the rings; you can pray.” 

“Is there anything I can’t do?” “Yes. You can’t say, ‘By the power vested in me by the laws of this state… because you ain’t got no power. I’ll say that.’” 

Now anyone can get a state’s vested power to perform a wedding with a free online ordination certificate. You just pay $50 for the state’s credentials, or maybe a c-note for the deluxe package.

The hundreds of weddings I’ve performed had a mix of religious, social, and legal obligations. During my years of seeking marriage equality, I wondered if, separately, states could perform the legal side, any blessing could done by whatever religion, and the economy could influence the social aspects of a wedding. 

Since 2014 I have my religion’s blessing, social encouragement, and the state’s vested power to equally perform same-sex weddings. Blind guides still have the right to refuse, but they don’t have the right to keep me from following God’s path. I pray my religious freedom isn’t taken away by those seeking to abuse their power to unvest mine.

How have the legal, social, and religious aspects of weddings affected your life? Where have you seen more attention placed on a wedding than on the (hopefully longer) marriage? Where do you see the positive millennial evolution of marriage in various societies?

Posted on by Wallis Landrum (Wally) · 2 Comments

Sharing Life May 22, 2024

This reflections and questions journey paused for a journey with my sisters (one by birth, one by marriage). They shared a stranger’s home, sights, meals, and memories with Nancy and me.

The night our mother would have been 99 we had dinner beside her chair that was emptied 26 years ago. We four allowed her spirit to fill the space with stories, sayings, teachings, laughter, and tears. Some stories needed only the first sentence by one to be completed by another. Since mom was an only child, we orphans are the ones who keep her living alive.

I have one person in the universe who shares with me a lifetime of memories, loves, trials, joys, and griefs, but in different ways than I do. Our mother’s mother experienced the death of her husband and her brother within months of each other. She quipped, “Now the only two people in the world who think I’m perfect are gone.”

Like my mother, our son is an only child. How will he find ways to keep the fires burning? I have been told and I truly believe that people can be alone without being lonely. That is not my experience, however. I am thankful for a lifetime of sharing support with the mutual admiration society that is my sister and me. 

Who is the person who has shared your life with you the longest? How do you celebrate that relationship? Where do you demonstrate your gratitude? 

Posted on by Wallis Landrum (Wally) · 3 Comments

How Did You Meet?

I love to hear stories about how people met a significant person in their lives. Today I’ll share mine.

A few months after moving to the church I’d serve for 24 years, I was asked by Susan and John to officiate their wedding. I met with them for several sessions of pre-marital counseling — mostly my questions about their expectations on a variety of relationship and family systems topics. 

At their outdoor wedding rehearsal I met the pianist, Nancy, and discussed the wedding music. She had written a piece in high school, and Susan, her best friend from first grade, made her promise to play it when she got married. Almost 20 years later she was going to fulfill that promise by playing her composition for her best friend’s wedding the next day.

At the rehearsal dinner, Nancy shared that she was divorced from a man she’d helped put through seminary before he decided he didn’t want to be a minister or her husband. I didn’t share that I was privately separated from my wife. After our divorce a few months later, I asked Nancy to go see the musical “Ain’t Misbehavin’” at our auditorium. 

I gave Nancy my “Letterman Top Ten” reasons why we shouldn’t date. While she was not a member of my church, her sister and brother-in-law were church leaders and their daughters were the center of our youth group. Susan was her brother-in-law’s sister, so they are aunts to the same two girls. I didn’t want to mess up my friendships with all her family in our church if our relationship didn’t work out. We ignored the top ten list; it worked out.

Today is our 30th wedding anniversary. We came forward during Sunday worship to exchange our vows and rings. The date was chosen as the Sunday before a bi-state youth event I was leading; it happened to be Valentine’s Day.

For the past thirty years, I’ve had my answer to the question: How did you two meet? I simply say: “We met the night before I married her best friend”…. then wait for a response.

What are some stories you have about how you met significant people in your life?  How did your past set the stage for and prepare you for those meaningful relationships?

Posted on by Wallis Landrum (Wally)

Mimicked Behavior

On a Saturday in 2000, I was in the back yard burying our beloved cat, my wife was taking a quick shower, and our son was playing safely inside. Because I had opened the garage to get the shovel, I could clearly hear the sudden crash, bang, shatter, and rolling rattle sounds that came from there.

When I ran in the garage, I saw that our mini-van had pulled forward enough to run into a metal shelving unit, bend it in half, and send its contents crashing to the hood and floor. Our three-year-old was in the driver seat, the engine running, the gear on the wheel in drive, and the doors locked.

I was thankful he had passed reverse while shifting gears, because of all the dangers of gaining speed down our hill, crossing our street, and running into our neighbor’s house. Drive had done minimal damage. 

I faced a problem: how do I get our son to unlock the van doors when he has the key? How do I hide my anxiety and anger so he’ll be willing to open the door? Seeing his anxiety and fear, I calmly said he was not in trouble but I needed him to unlock the door. He did. I hugged him hard, before we cleaned the mess together. 

Sunday morning a friend, called to ask if our son could pick up her children for church.

A three-year-old mimics the daily behavior he observes to climb up a dresser to get the correct key, open the van door, climb in, lock the doors, insert the key, start the engine, and shift the gear to drive. What behaviors does an assault-rifle murderer mimic? 

Because of law-suits, the auto industry added a safety feature; you have to have long-enough legs to put your foot on the brake to start the car. I wonder what safety-features the weapons industry might be adding today, if our rights to sue them weren’t taken away from us when they were uniquely made immune from liability by Congress in 2005 with the PLCAA?

Posted on by Wallis Landrum (Wally) · 1 Comment

Chicken? Chow Mein

When I became Kitchen Steward for the Sigma Chi Fraternity at Emory in 1977, I was given many recipes that had been collected over the years to help me plan daily meals for 86 brothers. One dinner was Chicken Chow Mein.

C.C.M. was popular with past kitchen stewards because it was cheap when the budget got tight. Several #10 cans of chicken chow mein and more cans of fried noodles cost less than any meal in the repertoire. C.C.M. was popular with our beloved cooks, Ethel & Pearl. Open, pour, heat… one pot clean-up… home early.

C.C.M. was not popular with anyone who tried it. What little “chicken” there was among the soggy celery was questionable. The watery sauce was gray—the color of a mouse. We were actually relieved to find it had no flavor (spare us the imagined alternative). 

Each person could “sign off” one meal a week and almost everyone got in a long line to sign off the night chicken chow mein was up.

After my second experience of mass sign-off protest, I took our last #10 can of Chicken Chow Mein down to our chapter meeting and announced its official retirement. As I hung up the can as an iconic reminder of “never again”, I received my only kitchen steward standing ovation.

What is something you keep doing, that you could allow to cease? How did you start on that path in your family system or community system? What steps do you take to discern what to let go? How would your change affect those around you? What would it take for you to act?